We all love a good slice of pie, but not all pastry creations deserve that special place in our hearts—or our daily calorie budget. Some pies promise heaven but deliver disappointment, with flavors that fall flat or textures that miss the mark.
Before you grab that fork, check out these 16 pies that simply don’t justify the caloric splurge.
1. Store-Bought Apple Pie
Mass-produced apple pies often hide behind a wall of corn syrup and artificial flavoring. The apples inside? Usually mushy, flavorless shadows of fresh fruit.
The crust typically tastes like cardboard that’s been dusted with cinnamon-scented chemicals.
2. Chocolate Cream Pie With Artificial Whipped Topping
Chocolate lovers, cover your ears! These imposters feature pudding-mix filling that’s more chemical than cocoa. The plastic-tasting whipped topping doesn’t melt properly in your mouth.
Meanwhile, the pre-made graham cracker crust shatters into sad, oily crumbs. For the same calories, you could enjoy real chocolate truffles!
3. Fast Food Apple Pie Pockets
Remember those scalding hot apple-adjacent pockets? The filling resembles apple-flavored jam more than actual fruit. One bite releases a sugar tsunami that overwhelms any natural flavor.
The exterior, while admirably crispy, contains enough oil to fuel a small vehicle.
4. Frozen Cream Pies
Freezer section cream pies seduce with their perfect appearance, but deliver a mouthful of chemicals and stabilizers. The texture? Somewhere between styrofoam and slightly sweetened paste.
The crust often has that distinct freezer-burn essence we all know and dread.
5. Grocery Store Pecan Pie
Grocery store pecan pies commit the cardinal sin: skimping on actual pecans! Instead, you get a sea of corn syrup topped with a sparse pecan flotilla.
The filling often has that distinctive metallic aftertaste from the can it was mixed in. At 500+ calories per slice, this sugar bomb leaves you with sticky regret rather than satisfaction.
6. Custard Pies Left Out Too Long
Oh, the tragedy of the buffet-line custard pie! After hours under warming lights, what began as silky custard transforms into rubbery, weeping sadness.
The once-flaky crust becomes a soggy mess that collapses under your fork. Despite the caloric investment (about 300 per slice), your reward is disappointment with hints of food safety concerns.
7. Artificially Flavored Cherry Pie
Bright red alert! That unnaturally crimson filling contains more red dye than actual cherries. The flavor profile? Cough syrup meets candy, with none of the tangy brightness real cherries provide.
The gelatinous texture sticks to your teeth while the overwhelming sweetness numbs your taste buds. At 400 calories per slice, this chemical carnival isn’t worth it.
8. No-Bake Peanut Butter Pie With Packaged Cookies
Sounds amazing, tastes disappointing. These diet-destroyers often feature hydrogenated oils, artificial peanut flavoring, and enough sugar to fuel a kindergarten class for days.
The cookie crust turns oddly soft and greasy within hours.
9. Supermarket Banana Cream Pie
Banana lovers beware! These impersonators rarely contain actual bananas – just artificial flavoring that tastes more like banana candy than the real fruit. The filling’s texture resembles wet cement rather than silky cream.
And that yellow color? Pure food science, not nature.
10. Pre-Made Graham Cracker Crusts With Instant Pudding
The DIY disaster that’s hardly DIY! Those ready-made crusts taste like sweetened cardboard with notes of preservatives and palm oil.
Fill it with instant pudding and you’ve created a sugar-laden fat bomb that lacks any depth of flavor.
11. Frozen Strawberry Pie
Those freezer aisle strawberry pies contain berries that have been so processed they’ve forgotten they were once fruit. The filling resembles sugary gel with occasional berry-shaped objects suspended within.
The overwhelming sweetness masks any natural strawberry flavor that might have survived. For 400 calories per slice, you deserve actual strawberries!
12. Fast Food Cream Pies
Fast food cream pies are the ultimate tease – they look creamy but taste like sweetened air whipped with chemicals. The filling disappears in your mouth without delivering any satisfaction.
The crust? Often oddly chewy rather than flaky.
13. Microwave Pot Pies
Savory disappointment in a cardboard sleeve! These sodium bombs feature mystery meat swimming in wallpaper-paste gravy.
The vegetables inside have been processed beyond recognition. The crust alternates between soggy bottom and concrete-hard edges.
14. Artificially Sweetened Diet Pies
The worst of both worlds! These “healthy” alternatives replace sugar with chemical sweeteners that leave a metallic aftertaste lingering for hours.
The texture suffers too – often strangely gummy or watery where it should be rich.
15. Novelty Holiday Pies
Candy cane pie? Eggnog cream? These holiday-themed monstrosities rely on artificial flavors that taste nothing like their inspiration.
The colors often venture into radioactive territory. Underneath the festive appearance lurks a generic base with questionable extracts. Save those 450 calories for holiday treats that actually deliver seasonal joy!
16. Gas Station Mini Pies
Those plastic-wrapped hand pies calling from the gas station counter? Pure caloric betrayal. The filling-to-crust ratio heavily favors the often-rancid shortening-laden crust.
What little filling exists tastes primarily of corn syrup and artificial flavoring. Each tiny pie packs around 350 empty calories that leave you hungry and disappointed.