Bagels have been a breakfast staple for generations, with classics like everything, sesame, and plain winning our hearts. But not every bagel flavor deserves a spot in the bakery case.
Some combinations sound interesting on paper but fall flat in reality. Here’s a tour through twelve bagel flavors that might make you question the creativity of modern bakers.
1. Cotton Candy Bagel
Blue and pink swirls might look Instagram-worthy, but the reality hits different. These sugar bombs masquerading as breakfast food create a strange clash between savory dough and artificial sweetness that lingers uncomfortably on your tongue.
Morning carbs shouldn’t taste like carnival leftovers. The worst part? Adding cream cheese only amplifies the confusion – is it dessert? Breakfast? A cry for help?
2. S’mores Bagel
Campfire memories have no business invading your breakfast routine. The s’mores bagel tries desperately to recreate childhood nostalgia but instead delivers a sticky, messy disappointment that leaves chocolate smears on your work documents.
Partially melted marshmallow chunks create lava-hot danger zones that stick to the roof of your mouth. Graham cracker pieces lose their crunch in the baking process, transforming into sad, soggy specks throughout the dough.
3. Red Velvet Bagel
Shocking crimson dough that stains your fingers before you’ve taken a single bite – that’s the red velvet bagel’s first offense. This dessert impostor tries to sneak cake into breakfast by disguising itself in bagel form.
The cocoa flavor is barely detectable beneath the overwhelming food coloring that leaves your mouth looking like a crime scene. Paired with cream cheese, it creates a visual experience reminiscent of a horror movie prop rather than something you’d actually want to eat.
4. Sour Apple Bagel
Fruit-flavored bread rarely works, but sour apple bagels take this culinary misstep to new heights. The artificial green hue serves as a warning sign that nature never intended this combination to exist.
Each bite delivers a confusing tang that clashes violently with the bagel’s natural yeastiness. The apple flavor isn’t fresh or authentic – it’s reminiscent of those green Jolly Ranchers that nobody actually chooses first from the candy bowl.
5. Pumpernickel Bagel
Dark as midnight and twice as mysterious, the pumpernickel bagel lurks in bakery cases waiting to disappoint unsuspecting customers. Its dense, almost gummy texture requires jaw strength comparable to chewing leather.
Pumpernickel enthusiasts will argue it’s an acquired taste, but some things aren’t worth acquiring. The worst offense? These bagels never toast properly – always burnt on the outside while remaining mysteriously cold in the center, defying the basic laws of thermodynamics and breakfast satisfaction.
6. Rye Bagel
Caraway seeds are the uninvited party guests of the bagel world – they show up where they’re not wanted and refuse to leave. Rye bagels scatter these aromatic troublemakers throughout otherwise innocent dough, creating a breakfast experience that tastes suspiciously like your grandmother’s bread drawer smells.
The texture often suffers too – rye bagels tend toward the dry side, crumbling apart mid-bite like edible sand castles. Some traditions deserve respect, but rye belongs in sandwich bread and pastrami delicatessens, not circular breakfast form.
7. Asiago Cheese Bagel
Cheese on bagels sounds promising until you encounter the nuclear fallout of burnt Asiago. These bagels announce themselves from three rooms away with an aroma that can only be described as “locker room meets Italian restaurant dumpster.”
The cheese forms a hardened crust that threatens dental work with every bite. Inside, pockets of unmelted cheese create a texture lottery where some bites are dry while others release unsettling cheese lava onto your chin.
8. Multigrain Bagel
Health food masquerading as breakfast comfort rarely succeeds. Multigrain bagels try valiantly to convince us they’re both virtuous and delicious, failing spectacularly at both.
Random seeds and grains create an unsettling texture roulette – one bite contains something crunchy, the next something inexplicably chewy. The flavor profile can best be described as “virtuous cardboard with notes of bird feed.”
9. Pumpkin Spice Bagel
Fall’s most notorious flavor has gone too far. These orange-tinted circles smell promising but deliver a spice overload that numbs your taste buds faster than you can say “basic breakfast.”
The problem isn’t the pumpkin – it’s the heavy-handed cinnamon, nutmeg, and clove blend that makes you feel like you’re chewing on a scented candle. One bite and your mouth feels like it’s been assaulted by a Thanksgiving potpourri explosion.
10. Candy Cane Bagel
Nothing says “seasonal confusion” quite like biting into bread that tastes like toothpaste. The candy cane bagel appears during holiday seasons, tricking unsuspecting shoppers with its festive red swirls and peppermint aroma.
Crushed candy cane pieces create dangerous sharp edges that scratch the roof of your mouth. The mint flavor battles aggressively with any topping you might apply – cream cheese becomes a bizarre peppermint spread, while butter transforms into something reminiscent of medicinal ointment.
11. Pickle Bagel
Whoever decided to infuse bagel dough with dill pickle brine deserves a serious talking-to. The acrid, vinegary punch that hits your nostrils before you even take a bite serves as nature’s warning system.
Green-flecked and reeking of fermentation, these circular monstrosities will make your kitchen smell like a deli accident for hours. The pickle flavor overwhelms everything it touches – cream cheese, butter, even innocent sandwich fillings cower in its pungent presence.
12. Birthday Cake Bagel
Sprinkles belong on cupcakes, not breakfast bread. The birthday cake bagel commits the ultimate morning sin – turning a respectable carb into a confusing dessert-breakfast hybrid that leaves your fingers stained with food coloring.
Rainbow jimmies embedded in dough create an unsettling crunch between your teeth. What’s worse is the artificial vanilla flavor that overwhelms any hint of traditional bagel goodness.